Safe conversations and relationships with Carlee Myers

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0:00 Are you tired of feeling hopeless, or do you feel as though you carry around an invisible ball and chain? If so, you are in the right place. It's time now for Awaken Hope with Kandiee Campbell. Kandiee is a therapist and grief counselor that works with women to help them process and heal from emotional events that can keep them feeling stuck. Let's take this journey together. And now, here's your host, Kandiee Campbell. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to Awaken Hope. I am so super grateful that you are choosing to tune in and listen to Awaken Hope with Kandiee Campbell. I have the privilege of having a wonderful guest on my show.

0:45 But before we get into the introduction of who she is, again, small housekeeping thing. As you know, my location, I'm coming to you from Hawaii. My location happens to be underneath the flight line to the Honolulu Airport, as well as near a fire station. That being said, you may, you may not, hear a jet or a plane or a sign and go by. If that is the case, we will take a moment to pause. We are still here, but unfortunately we cannot compete with those sounds. I've tried. I've attempted it. It doesn't work. So without further ado, I would love to introduce you to Carlee Myers.

1:29 Carlee has been a guest on my show, but I really firmly believe in what she helps people with. She is the founder and CEO of the Stress Less Company. Welcome Carlee. What kind of things do you love today? I'm excited to be here. Thank you for having me. Well, I truly believe in what you do. I mean, we all can stress less. That's definitely a must. That's for sure. Okay, so what do you want to share with the listeners today? Yeah. Well, I think last time we talked a lot about relationships related to stress, and I think it would be actually really an interesting subject for us to talk about damaged relationships.

2:24 And what do we do if we are in a damaged relationship? How do we figure out if it's appropriate to repair the relationship? And if we do want to, how do we go about it? Ah, very good subject because so many of us have been in damaged relationships or are in damaged relationships. Or worse, we are the ones that are damaged. That does affect things. Do you agree? That could certainly be the case. Yeah. Well, and I would argue maybe we're not the damaged ones, but we certainly have something that's making us feel that way and that can create them. True. Very true. We're not, you're right, it's not us being damaged, but we're functioning at a damaged level.

3:22 Yeah, we're not functioning at the level or capacity that we want to. Yeah. We've been impacted by events, life, the past, a lot of it comes from our childhood, majority of it, and I'm speaking for myself, but I functioned at a very damaged level for more years than I would like to think. And that was the way I interacted with my relationships and not a healthy way to begin life. Yeah. It certainly can be a challenge to, you know, when we've got our own baggage, the word trigger, right? We've got our own triggers that come up to bring out a side of us that we don't necessarily love that much.

4:17 So gosh, we're already getting into like so many layers of this, right? How the self impacts our relationship, how we can damage relationships. One of the things that we talked about on the last episode was, you know, the number one pitfall in relationships, which is negativity, you know? Negativity being anything that can be experienced as a put down. So it could be tone, words, eye roll, body language, basically anything that can be experienced as a put down. And it's always in the eyes of the receiver, right? Whoever's receiving it. If they say it's a put down, then it is put down. So what happens when we experience this negativity is that our defenses go online, right?

5:05 So that upper part of the brain shuts down and then we go into that lower part of the brain, which is that fight, flight, freeze, or faint that we hear about all the time. That's when we're just, we're in survival mode. So this is the thing about negativity in relationships is that one, you know, one piece of negativity, eye roll, tone of voice, direct insult, whatever, can actually create a snowball effect in our relationships, right? Because we send it out, the other person, what happens, their walls go up in self-preservation and they might come back with negativity unconsciously to keep themselves safe. And so what do we, what do we do if we get into this pattern of negativity?

5:53 Because that's also often what I'm talking about when I'm talking about a damaged relationship of relationship that has, you know, the negativity has begun running rampant. Yeah, we have, I mean, I can only speak for myself, but my relationships when they were, when I was functioning at the damage mode was cast full of negativity, walls going up, saying things that you couldn't take back or, you know, once they were out, the cat was out of the bag, feelings were hurt and, you know, I would say things, I would do things, I'd react to things and it just kept, like you were talking about, a snowball effect.

6:36 The relationship just kept going around and around in that hamster wheel and none of us, all parties involved, we were just in a spiral. Yeah, this vicious cycle, this vicious cycle and it becomes a pattern and, and I know so many of us, I know for myself, I would, you know, in past relationships, I would bring something forward, right? And then my, you know, the person I was in relationship with, they would have the same response and then I would have that same response and then they would have that same response and then we would, every time an issue or grievance was brought up, it was the same pattern over and over and over again.

7:16 And it was crazy making, right? And so in order to get off the hamster wheel out of that vicious cycle, one of the two people, if not both, have to break the cycle. If we respond, but I can say just one person can create a completely different relationship, you know, one person changing their behavior because they can break the cycle. So how does one do that? In your professional opinion, how does one do that if they say, Hey, I'm in this dysfunctional damaged relationship and I really desire to be free of that, release that, go on and function at a more healthier level. What does one do?

8:02 Especially I've never done it before. That's kind of a unknown territory and you know, as well as I know, when we get into unfamiliar territory, we tend to, the fears creep up and we go. Yeah. Well, then I think, I think actually the question that we ask first is, do I want to repair this relationship? Is that something I really want to do? Because you know, one of the things that, that I've heard in this kind of community or in this realm of relationships and, and I deeply resonate is that there are some like requirements for membership in a relationship, you know? So for instance, if it's, and we could be talking about any type of relationship here.

8:50 So let's say it's a work relationship. Okay. What are the requirements for this professional relationship? Well, a degree of professionalism, very likely, moving, we are moving the mission of the organization forward. And let's say the organization, maybe we work in politics. Okay. Well, maybe another requirement, another layer is like, maybe we're on the same side of the political fence. We have the same morals and values and ethics, right? Now if we're not, it could just be those two things. We're moving the mission forward and professionalism. So we look at that, that's, you know, a professional relationship, a personal relationship. It could just be a general sense of admiration for the other person and a desire to make it work.

9:43 And that has to come from both sides. So you know, one of the questions that we can ask ourselves if, in terms of like, do I want to make this work is, you know, okay, what are the requirements for membership from my perspective? And are those requirements of membership met by yourself and the other party? And do I want to make them, meet them too, right? So for instance, in a general relationship, a general sense of admiration and a willingness to make it work, well, I could admire you all day, but if I really don't want to do the work, it's not going to work.

10:26 So it's not worth repairing because you're not going to put in the work, right? Or if I don't have that sense of admiration, but I want to make it work, it's still, we're going to end up in that negativity cycle, right? So we can be honest with ourselves. On the flip side, we can honest, we can be honest about the person we're in relationship with. Have they shown us that they really are willing to make it work? Have they shown us that they have an aberration for us? Wow, okay. So that gives food for thought while we take a short break, ladies and gentlemen, think about it because we're in relationships with everybody and you really have to consider, is this really something I want to do?

11:11 We will be right back. Hello, hello, hello. It's Kandiee Campbell from the Awaken Hope radio show, and I've got something special for you. As a licensed therapist who focuses on [therapy term unclear], I've teamed up with a writing coach to bring you a series of journals to help you process your feelings and emotions, hopefully gaining clarity and understanding along the way. If you're ready to embark on a journey of healing, then I've got just the right thing for you, the Hope and Healing 90 day journal. Imagine, if you will, having your own compassionate companion guiding you through the ups and downs, twists and turns of life.

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13:23 Thank you. Welcome back to Awaken Hope. Again, I have the privilege and honor of having Carlee Myers. She is the CEO and founder of the Stress Less company. So Carlee, if someone resonates with this and they want to work with you or find out how to go about doing this, how can people get in touch with you? Please share. Yeah, absolutely. Well, we talked about how negativity is the number one pitfall in relationships. So I would say a great place to start is to grab your free guide on how to practice zero negativity in your relationships. And so you can do that by visiting stresslessco.com/zeronegativity.

14:12 Okay, ladies and gentlemen, you have heard it. There's always fun stuff when you get freebies, complimentary stuff, take advantage of it. Because you know why Carlee and I were talking over the break, we have relationships with everybody. But the most important relationship we have is with ourselves. And when we're encompassed with negativity from experiences, trauma, events, you name it, that impacts how we relate to people, and whether we choose to show up or make that effort like you were talking about. Share more. I am so excited about this topic. Yeah, well, and you know, this kind of speaks to, you know, this dual kind of work that I do with my clients, right?

15:11 Because on one side, our relationship with ourselves is so important. And that's what we talked about in our previous episode, if I remember, right? Which is, you know, how do we work the stressless method and, you know, what is it? What do we need to do within ourselves? That's a foundational piece that, you know, that's the work that I do. But on the flip side, okay, let's, how do we take it to the next level and how do we grow in relationship? How do we grow with the other person in that relationship? You know, I'm a firm believer that we don't need to have all our crap figured out before we enter into relationship.

15:55 Because if we did, we would all be, you know, isolated in our little, you know, caves, right? And so if we've decided, okay, we've answered the question, you know, okay, what are the requirements of membership and do I meet those requirements or does everyone, you know, have the potential to, you know, okay, we want to make this relationship work. That's where we go to that next level, which is, first and foremost, we're striving for zero negativity. We're striving to, you know, set this, we're setting a standard of ourselves that we're going to do our best to keep the eye roll, the body language, the eye rolls, the sassy tone of voice, right?

16:44 The sarcasm. Yeah. The sarcasm. Yeah. The direct insults out of our relationships as much as we possibly can. Now this is a feat. And that's why I say strive for zero negativity. Because once we start to, like we were talking about earlier, there's this vicious cycle that happens. So we take our piece of negativity out of the puzzle, right? We're creating a different avenue for conversation for this relationship to go in. Now it's going to be difficult. For many of us, I'm not going to say for all of us, for some of us, it might be like, whoa, there we go. That's off to the issue, right?

17:27 Now for others, because we've been in this cycle for so long, the person that we're in relationship with might be a little confused at first, right? They might still keep sending out the negativity, expecting the same results, because that's just how you've always done it. So it might take some time, right? And there's some real commitment. You know, the other person might be thinking, what do they want? It was their motivation. So they might be a little skeptical and so just, you know, this foundational piece, it might sound simple. I know it might not sound easy, but simple, it can take some time to like, for the effects to really sink in to the relationship.

18:12 Wow, that is very profound and very, you know, insightful, because we do have to make, one, be willing to make that commitment, but two, be willing to, like you said, step out of that negativity because I'm just as guilty, you know, my sarcasm will cook in my, you know, depending on my mood. Sometimes I even get, I will willingly admit, it's not my proudest moment, but I get passive aggressive, you know, I'm just like, I'll make a sniper mark. And then I'm like, that wasn't right. Because the people around me, they respond to that or not. And usually it's not necessarily the way you want them to respond.

19:00 Because an eye roll, if you're looking at someone and you're talking and they're rolling their eyes and going, you know, or yeah, okay, whatever, you're saying that you and you're paying attention to that. It sends like you said, it sends a message. It speaks volumes without saying word one. Yep. A hundred percent. One hundred percent. We can walk into a room and know almost instantaneously if that room is safe or not, right? And it's because of all those little cues that we pick up on, right? We've evolved to be able to pick up on all those subtle cues. And so that's why when I say zero negativity, I mention the tone of voice, the body language and all of that because we're picking up on it, whether it's word set or not.

19:51 So that's, you know, that's the first piece is striving for zero negativity and we could start there. And in that freebie that I mentioned, there's a 30-day challenge that you can start there, right? Foundational. And then if we want to take it to the next level, we can, again, another simple next step could be share, start sharing appreciations. Right, so what do we, oftentimes when we take something out, we kind of feel the need to replace it with something else, right? So there's not this gaping hole in our lives. And so we can replace that negativity with words of appreciation, right? So I really appreciate you, Kandiee, for having me on the show today, right?

20:35 I'm happy for you. Right? Yeah. So if you notice, right, we can feel, I don't know if the listeners can feel it, but we could feel like, yeah, that's, that feels right. The energy was aligned there too. Right? And so that's the key with appreciations too, is that other people are really smart, right? The people we're in relationship with, they're not dumb. They're going to pick up on any dissonance we have between the words that we're saying and the energy we're putting out. And so we want to make sure that when we're sharing those appreciations, that they're true for us, that they really are true for us.

21:13 Yeah, because it's going to come through. I mean, if you say, oh, just for example, Carlee, I really appreciate you, but you say it in a way that doesn't come across as authentic. You may be saying, Carlee, I really appreciate you, but that isn't, that to me is not an authentic. I appreciate you versus Carlee, I really do appreciate you and you are fabulous. You know, saying something like that versus Carlee, I really appreciate you. I mean, you know, use some enthusiasm, use some, and if you're struggling, correct me if I'm wrong, but if you're struggling with saying something about appreciation about someone, make it general.

22:02 Would you agree? Yeah. I mean, you can start with just appreciations. Yeah. Like if you can't muster up the courage, or it makes you want to throw open your mouth to give that person, right, an appreciation, you can start with, oh, I just love how beautiful the sun is today. It doesn't even have to be about them, but you're still putting positivity, you're still putting those, that affirmation of a more positive existence into the space between because you're sharing it with them, right? So if that feels like too far of a stretch, start generally, I would say, but yeah, you can also say, you know, hey, thanks for coming home.

22:48 Yeah, thanks for showing up today. Now, again, you have to be, it has to be genuine. You have to really appreciate that, but if it's the bare minimum, you're appreciating the bare minimum. That's okay. In fact, that other person might appreciate that you appreciate the bare minimum. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take a small short break, something to come up to ponder and something to think about. Who can you appreciate and how can you appreciate them? You like that bone? I got a great price on it. Did you see my tail when that Chewy box showed up? Oh, I saw it. Sorry about the vase.

23:27 Can we just say vase like normal people? Fine. I always wonder what it would be like to have a tail. Maybe you did one time, maybe a thousand years from now, I'll be tailless using that Chewy app to get you great prices on treats. Pretty sure it takes more than a thousand years. Vaws. Pets aren't just pets. They're more. Vaws. Save more on what they love with everyday great prices at Chewy. With the timeless protection of ADT, it's safe to say, Hey Google, unlock the front door. If you've helped save more lives than any other home security brand, it's safe to say there's a reason millions of people trust ADT to help protect what matters most.

24:04 Oh, welcome back to Awaken Hope. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a privilege of having Carlee Myers. We have been talking about zero negativity in relationships and she talked about her complimentary gift of a challenge, a 30 day challenge. Is that correct? Well, I would like to take you up on that challenge and I encourage anybody who's listening, take the challenge. Go to the website and it's downloadable. Is that correct? Yes, it is. Yep. Stresslessco.com/zeronegativity can get the download there and do the challenge and report back because, you know, we want to see how your life improves because I know for a fact if you do stuff and you remove negativity, you begin to remove negativity even with the simplest of general appreciation for your partner or your family, even your kids, you will begin to see changes, not only in yourself, but the people around you.

25:21 Tell us more. Yes. Yes. So we talked about, you know, the goal of striving for zero negativity. That's foundational. And when we take something out, we oftentimes we want to put something back in as a habit. So the next thing we talked about was sharing appreciations. And these are all foundations of safe conversations, which is a dialogue process that teaches us how to talk without criticism, how to listen without judgment and how to connect beyond difference. And one of the things that safe conversations teaches us is how we can, or some of the foundations of the theory, if you will, is how, okay, how do we then begin repairing, right?

26:08 So zero negativity, appreciations, okay, but what's the next level? What happens when we put negativity into the relationship? The first thing that we can do is if we catch ourselves, right? We can do a recent, right? So for instance, let's say you, I say, thanks so much, Eddie, for having me on the show, right? And I'm like, oh, I can say, oh, hold on, let me try that again. Thank you so much for having me on the show, right? So you can catch yourself in that moment where you're like, that might've been a little negative, right? So you can resend it. That's one way you can begin repairing.

26:52 Another way is if you're on the receiving end, you can say, oh, do you mind resending that to me? And then you can demonstrate, right? So would you mind saying that again, but with like a twinkle in your eye, right? And so that's another way. So one is if you send it out, you can say, oh, yeah, let me resend that. And on the flip side, hey, do you mind resending that with a twinkle in your eye? Or however, however you see it, right? You're asking for the desire you have to be fulfilled. Another way that we can repair. We see this all the time in the rom coms, right?

27:33 The guy coming with the flowers, right? Now it's not just the flowers, it's the gesture of reconnection, right? So we can come with the apology. We can come with the flowers or the gift. We could come with a hug or a handshake, depending on what environment you're in, right? But it's a, no matter what it is, it's a gesture, right? It's a gesture. That's a third way that you can begin repairing. So these are repairs in the moment, right? And they add up over time. And the last way that we can repair now, if it's a really big rupture, like we dropped a negativity bomb into the relationship, that's when we might look at having a formal safe conversation dialogue with this person about it.

28:23 We can ask, hey, Kent, you know, are you down? Are you willing to have a safe, a formal safe conversation with me about this? And that way we can uncover and we can talk about this and we maybe can come to a resolution. Very good and an excellent way to conclude today's episode. But again, ladies and gentlemen, stay tuned because Carlee Myers will be back and she will be sharing more and more of her tools and strategies and expert knowledge on how to stress less and navigate this journey of life that we live. Thank you, Carlee, so much. And I look forward to our next episode and we will schedule that.

29:07 And again, remember, I'm doing this challenge, I'm going to download the challenge. So do the challenge, do it with me, and let us know your results, email the network, let us know how things are going. So or reach out to Carlee, you know, do the challenge or reach out to Carlee, however you want to do it. Do both. Doesn't matter. Do the challenge. And I look forward to hearing how things are going. We'll see you really soon. Thanks for listening to Awaken Hope with Kandiee Campbell. If you find yourself struggling, just know there is help. Please take the first step and contact Kandiee. To learn more, go to [website address unclear].

29:49 If you like our show, please tell your friends and family to listen. Join us again next time for Awaken Hope with Kandiee Campbell.